Fair warning to idealistic readers:
This article is a sharp, sarcastic parody of diet gurus. Those who consider their diet gurus to be the equivalent of Greek gods might find this article to be disturbing. To everyone else: Enjoy!
Imagine that you are hearing the material below on a radio commercial, in a voice that is fast, smooth, yet of very questionable honesty...
Recent scientific studies (for which we have, unfortunately, misplaced the references) prove conclusively that an ordinary parrot is significantly more intelligent than the average diet guru. This recent finding provides the owners of parrots with a golden opportunity: the chance to get rich by having your parrot become a famous diet guru.
However, in order to take advantage of this opportunity, your parrot must be properly trained. Here at the Misinformation Institute, we have developed scientific training courses that are guaranteed to turn your parrot into a world-class diet guru!
Our training course is presented in two parts.
Mastery of the Subject-Matter:
The Essentials of the Specific Diet
In this part, we will train your parrot to repeat phrases that will inspire others with the essential wisdom of the diet you want to promote. Some diet and phrase examples are:
If you want your parrot to be a raw foods (raw vegan) diet guru, we will train it to say things like "cooked food is poison!" and "world's foremost plagiarist!".
Conventional vegan diet guru parrots will learn to say things like "plant food diets are healthiest," and "be compassionate or I'll kill you!".
Conventional vegetarian diet guru parrots will learn to say things
like "vegetarian diets are more moral than meat-
Instincto diet guru parrots will learn to say things like "watch for the taste change" and "polygamy is natural and fun!".
Paleo diet guru parrots will learn to say things like "dairy and grains are not evolutionary foods" and "naked with a sharp stick!".
and so on. Your parrot will be trained in over 50 phrases that summarize the core wisdom of the chosen diet. With mastery of over 50 complete phrases, your parrot will surely be the smartest diet guru in town!
Manners and Behavior
It's not enough that your parrot sounds just like a diet guru. Your parrot must be trained to behave like a diet guru as well. In other words, your parrot needs to be trained to follow the very high standards of conduct exemplified by many diet gurus.
To use raw veganism as a specific example (the training for conventional
the parrot will bite people at will (and often),
if not fed regularly, the parrot will go on off-diet "eating" binges: it will bite and destroy furniture and clothing,
the parrot will jump up on people's heads and defecate or urinate there (whenever possible),
when challenged with intelligent questions, the parrot will respond with curses, threats of violence, and make lots of noise (we will train your parrot to accurately imitate a LOUD automobile burglar alarm).
Your neighbors may think that your bird has become the parrot from hell, but your bird will soon be making loads of money for you! Think of the diet seminars you can run, the consulting fees you will collect. You can even make money by selling photos of your bird to fans. (Yes, some people are actually dumb enough to pay money for photos of their diet gurus.) With luck, your diet guru parrot might even attract some very friendly human groupies!
For the cost of some birdseed and the Misinformation Institute
training courses, you can profit handsomely by turning your parrot into a
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